BECOMING BAS MITZVA MY WAY
by Tania Honig-Silbiger (May 13, 2000)
Welcome to a Sholem Bar/Bas Mitzva celebration. Many of you will find that it is very different from what you might be expecting. Having been to many of my friends' bar/bas mitzva ceremonies. I began to wonder what is this process and what is its significance to both people who follow the traditional customs and to those of us who are secular. And with the literal definition of Bar/Bas Mitzva being son or daughter of the commandments, what place does a bar/bas mitzva have in the Sholem Secular Community?
To find the answers, I developed a questionnaire and distributed it to both teens and adults of different Jewish denominations. I wanted to know what their ceremony was like and the effect it had on their being Jewish both then and now. I asked them why they became Bar or Bas Mitzva and what they learned from their experience. I wanted to know if it made them feel more Jewish.
All cultures have some rite of passage or coming of age which allows a young person to be accepted by their community with the rights and responsibilities of an adult. The term bar mitzva has been used only since the Middle Ages although the coming of age process did exist since ancient times.
Why thirteen? The Bible speaks of man attaining his majority at the age of twenty when he can then go to war and pay taxes. But in primitive society, a boy became a man upon reaching adolescence allowing him to participate in life sustaining activities of the group such as: hunting and gathering. As we enter Talmudic and Medieval Times this rite of passage took on more religious significance interpreting it as an initiation into the religious aspect of the community. And in Modern Times it remained at the age of 13, a sacred number to the ancient Jews. I've been talking about boys and men, because traditionally the term bar mitzva only applies to them. However, Jewish girls during the second or third century of the Common Era began their legal responsibilities in the community at the age of 12, when they reached adolescence. Any recognition of the girl's new status was not celebrated until many years later. In the 1800's some families had a special prayer and festivity on their daughter's 12th birthday. The first recognizable bat mitzva ceremony took place in North America in 1922 when Rabbi Mordecai Kaplan, the founder of Reconstructionism, decided his daughter ought to become a Bat Mitzva.
The 12 completed questionnaires came from both young and old, male and female, religious and secular. I received a lot of good information. Unfortunately there is not enough time to share it all. Interestingly, there were significant differences and yet there were also some unexpected similarities. In answer to the question, Why did you become a bar/bas mitzva? the answers were quite similar - people thought they were expected and compelled to complete the bar/bas mitzva process. From "it was just something I felt I wanted to do" to "my parents forced me", there is a clear message that becoming bar/bas mitzva, no matter what the religious perspective, is a necessary part of becoming more Jewish. All seemed to agree that it is a step in the life cycle of a Jew. It is interesting to note that my orthodox or "observant" cousins refer to this process as an automatic fulfillment at the legal age of accepting the role of having to perform the laws and deeds of being a Jew and emphasize that one does not "have" a bar or bas mitzva, but one "is" a bar or bas mitzva. It just happens.
The most important question asked was "What did you learn from your bar/bas mitzva experience?" Here the answers varied. Most everyone responded about their growth as a person from "If I work really hard, I could accomplish what I put my mind to" or "I can memorize a speech" or "I react well under pressure". The most interesting responses for me were from the two who had secular bar/bas mitzva ceremonies not too long ago. One learned the fact that "many years of Sunday mornings had taught me a great deal about Judaism" and the other "learned more about my family and Jewish culture."
I have chosen to videotape two people with very different opinions. First we'll hear from my cousin, Michael Kohan, one of a set of twins, who was born in the United States only 6 weeks after his family arrived from Europe.
(Videotape)-Michael
(Michael Kohan was raised in an orthodox home and talks about his experiences including becoming bar mitzva because his parents made him do it and his current relationship to being Jewish being nationalistic, like supporting a baseball team.)
Next we'll hear from Natasha Pettit who became a secular Bas mitzva at Sholem only two years ago. In this interview she describes her Bat Mitzva project and the effects of being part of the Sholem school. (Videotape)-Natasha
(Natasha describes her mom as a secular Jew and her dad not realizing he was Jewish. Her Sholem bas mitzva project was a fictionalized account of her relative's journey to the US. She describes her connection to Sholem and how much her Sholem and bas mitzva experiences have played a positive role and she considers herself a secular Jew.)
It is interesting to me that Michael and Natasha represent two different reactions to their bar and bas mitzva experience. On the one hand, Michael voiced a more negative memory of his experience and today does not follow in his family's footsteps. On the other hand, Natasha voiced a more positive experience and is following in her family's footsteps. I wonder if there is more of a tendency to follow your family if the experience is positive.
The Nazi Holocaust is an important historical event for me personally because I lost most of my mother's family to the Nazis and my grandparents were survivors. While investigating this topic, I wanted to know more about how families were able to continue with this rite of passage during a difficult time that would seem to make bar mitzva preparation impossible. Hershl helped me locate Dr. Sam Getz who became a bar mitzva in the Tarnow Ghetto in 1941. Dr. Getz describes his experiences and what Bar Mitzvas were like in Poland before the war.
(Videotape)-Dr. Sam Getz
(Dr. Getz' experience was very moving in that his parents had him become bar mitzva under life threatening circumstances) I want to thank Dr. Getz for sharing his interesting story with me. Whether positive or negative it is clear that his parents saw his becoming bar mitzva as an important experience to declare his identity as a Jew.
By becoming a bat mitzva I am continuing a long tradition of connecting my identity to the history and culture of the Jewish people. As one of my religious cousins from New York said, we are all Jewish by the fact of our ancient biblical history and cannot distinguish between Reform, Secular, or Conservative. I agree that we are all Jewish and I am happy to hear an Orthodox Jew acknowledge all of us as Jewish although I know there are many who cannot understand how I can be secular and still be a bat mitzva. If bat mitzva means daughter of the commandments, how does that reflect on what I am doing here today?
In the United States since the end of World War II the Jewish people, including secular Jews, have lived in communities that are diverse. The diversity includes other ethnicities and religions as well as differences among the Jews themselves. In American society many different cultures and beliefs live side by side. For Secular Jews having a bar mitzva ceremony was their way of giving their child the continuity of being part of the Jewish community. Doing so meant having a traditional ceremony and hiring someone to come to the home to teach their son the language and prayers. This was seen as just something they had to do if they were Jewish, very similar to the beliefs of many of the people who responded to my questionnaire.
Other secular families chose to do nothing, seeing the bar mitzva as a religious ceremony that didn't have a place in their belief system. But there were some families whose 13 year old sons presented what came to be a Red Bar Mitzva, red being the color of the labor movement and the working class. They presented to friends and family in Yiddish talking about their place as part of the working class.
Although the Red Bar Mitzva was reserved for boys, it is in this tradition that I see the Sholem Bar/Bas Mitva celebration. Begun years ago as a group graduation, the community wanted to have an event that acknowledged individual students. An important aspect of the Sholem Bar or Bas Mitzva process is that it is optional and of course it includes girls. The topics are varied, but what has always been important is that they reflect something important to each participant about being Jewish. But is it becoming a bat mitzva? Does this have a relation to the commandments? In my point of view, I am definitely a Bat Mitzva. I am part of the Jewish tradition. When I acknowledge becoming a Bat Mitzva I recognize my place as a member of the Jewish people. When I acknowledge my history of people struggling for their freedom amidst great odds and fighting for the rights of other people to be free. Although not religious, I can understand that it is both our religion and historical beliefs that caused many throughout the years to oppress us. I can understand how the bar mitzva ceremony as a symbol of one's identity has been considered important enough to conduct even under extreme danger. "We are Jews" is what I see having been said when Dr. Getz' parents chose to have their son become bar mitzva in the ghetto even though the penalty if found was death. "We are Jews" says the observant Jew who conducts the bar mitzva observance as the natural part of the Jewish life cycle. "We are Jews" is also the answer of all who see becoming a bar/bas mitzva as just what we are all expected to do. And for me, the answer is also "We are Jews" because the secular bar/bas mitzva process allows me to come before my family, friends and community and express my thoughts of what being Jewish really means to me. I may not see personal relevance in the phrase "daugher of the commandment" but Bat Mitzva signifies more. By using the same name as the rest of the Jewish community, it allows us to remain part of that community. When my friends became bar or bas mitzva in their temples, I knew that I would also be participating in an important Jewish tradition in my own way. In response to my question "Why?" I would answer: Because I wanted to look into my feelings on why being Jewish is so important to me. And,"What did I learn from my experience": I learned about the history of the bar/bas mitzva ceremony and how most Jews, including myself, no matter what denomination, see becoming bar/bas mitzva as an important and expected passage in the life of a Jew.
I would like to thank Susan Lerner and Hershl Hartman for giving me pointers and great ideas during this process. I would like to thank my mom for really being there for me when I needed it, when it was reading something that Susan or Hershl gave me to read or just listening to my presentation. I would like to thank my dad who helped me by listening to me rehearse and being supportive. Thanks to my brother who helped a lot since he had his Bar Mitzva experience. I would also like to thank all the wonderful people who answered my questionnaire and those who let me tape them especially members of my family both in New York and Los Angeles who I have gotten to know better thanks to this experience. And I would like to dedicate this presentation to my grandparents who are always with me.
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